Life...

Over the weekend, hubs noticed that in one room, the ceiling is about to collapse in, with water leaking large drops onto the bed. Hmm. It's almost midnight Sat. Not good. So he went up into the attic to see what it was, and he figures its the A/C. Not good. He patched it up best he could and now it's Monday and two men are looking up there to see what's wrong. It doesn't look like an easy fix to me.

And it's a busted pipe. They are going to replace what's bad, then hopefully work on our ducts. Nice guys, though; always a plus!

So far, I think I'm doing all right leaning on God, trying to maintain conscious contact with God, I've gotten a few things accomplished, like laundry, cleaning kitchen, doing some scrubbing of pots & pans, swiffering the floor, just generally doing the next thing in front of me. And that's so scary for me, because trust is so hard for me. I'm terrified to let go & really blindly trust, even God, to plan my day, but so far, He's doing an amazing job! He definitely runs my life better than I do! I hardly slept last nigh, or the night before, as I'm still getting rid of the toxins from my body and my nervous system is, well, nervous! But even on minimal sleep I've gotten more done by 10:30 am than alone I was accomplishing maybe all week.

I'm still terrified and concerned with the other parents, teachers, etc. because of my shoddy track record as a general human being and being undependable. And when I look at my son I see everywhere I've failed, all my missed opportunities, how I've not been there for him, sometimes not cooking, leaving him and hubs on their own. That haunts me. There was always food in the house, just I didn't always cook it. Bitter regret is a killer. Who can stand to feel this way for long? This is another reason God and His forgiveness is crucial. If I didn't have faith that God can and will pull all this back together, doing the parts that I can't, (not won't!), then I literally would not be able to stand the pain of the emotions. I'm so sorry, so desperately sorry. I tried so hard to parent the right way on my own, but I had no blueprint, and my default was: help! Somebody raise or show me how to raise this kid! I have no close family close. I have no close family period. I have a polite family who I'm sure has written me off, just about. How I wish my mother was here to help me. But she's been deceased a long, long time now. She died 10 days before my first wedding. I have no father, no sibs, so it's just me.

Then again, having her just might not be a good idea, as she was always prone to seeking my comfort and advice in life matters, and having son and mom leaning on me would probably have not been good. I wonder sometimes why things in my life have gone the way they have. I'm actually ok with my life, it's how my son has been cheated of an intact, fun, healthy family that kills me. Honestly I wonder  why he gave me my son when He did. He's been through so much pain that he didn't deserve. I still burn with anger and resentment with my ex if I allow myself to think about it. I feel like he betrayed me and son so heinously, that he took full advantage of my earlier forgiveness and the torment he put me through caused me tremendous harm. And I felt I just had to soldier on, and the havoc, chaos, and stress with no one to turn to put me in the condition where CFS came on. And then it became a game of coping each day, never having a firm grip on things. Always feeling around for the next rung on the ladder in the dark.

This area has a relatively large amount of pretty healthy, intact homes and seeing the kids blossom from those homes and seeing how cheated son was-is of that structure for myriad reasons, many of which include me, it just grieves my soul. I want so badly to have him be 5 again so I could do it over. I didn't realize it takes years to see the results of parenting on kids. I thought hey, he's ok, we're ok.