Does this work with iPad? If so, cool.

Today has been blrgh. Dr. Phil today talked about learned helplessness. I feel that's me. I've been all over the map, through the spectrum of highs & lows, joy & depression, that to conform myself into staying in that middle lane feels safe. But it also strips me of some of my essence. All my life I've strived to just be normal, and I can't seem to find that setting. I married a stable, normal guy, wanting to achieve this for myself and my son.

Then dealing with CFS & all the medications that have caused me to be unstable...feeling the weight of guilt and shame of being drugged in public, embarrassing my son, myself. Feeling other mothers pull away from me, their kids from my kid. Wondering how much damage I've done/am doing to my son. He's a great kid, but I know I've failed him, I've neglected him, I see all the ways I've screwed up & don't know how to fix any of it, even if I could.

I have a strong belief in God, in Jesus. He is my savior. He filled me with the Holy Spirit as a teen. It was the most beautiful experience, like liquid love flowed over and through me, I remember asking or stating This is what Heaven must be like. I had a joy unspeakable, and I carried happiness in my heart. All I wanted was more of Him. But I was still a mixed up girl, and I thought I could have success in both worlds. I wanted it all. So I pursued it all. I fell into bulimia to lose weight while still satisfying that deep need for fullness. What I seldom hear about bulimia is how seductive and rewarding it is, at first. When you feel the need to binge, then do it, then expel every trace of it, there is a high that results. You feel satisfied, full yet empty, clean and beautiful. And the demon is tamed for a while and life feels very good. Plus the weight loss is fantastic and fast. People compliment you left & right. My Mom started approving of me more, as did other family members. Always in Drama, an aunt said to me that now that I was thin, I could be a leading lady rather than always being the mother character. She meant well, I'm sure, but it let me know just how un-okay I had been when I was "fat"-150lbs, and as weird social doors started opening to me in High School, I didn't know how to behave or how to interact with the popular kids who now started inviting me to parties. Quickly, though, I discovered beer made me feel a whole lot better. Beautiful. Desirable. Bold. And I could talk to boys without feeling insecure. Bingo! Bulimia & beer was my ticket to ride, and ride I did. I started pulling away from things of God & started first flirting with, then actively pursuing self-pleasure. Maybe I still am, and that's maybe a huge part of my problem. I have very little discipline, and my feelings lead me around by the nose even today.

I did start a beginner's running app workout that lets you walk a lot & jog for just 30 seconds at a time, and even that was so hard. I'm such a mess right now. I felt good & hopeful this morning, but I didn't act on it. Instead I went back to bed, back into my current escape of choice, sleep. I was afraid to trust feeling good. I was being rebellious. I was just doing what comes natural to me right now. I should have gone to Target, I had a couple of things I needed to do, but, again, there's that learned helplessness. So I do these things. So what? I feel angry with-at myself and don't even feel like I deserve to feel good. Or maybe I've grown so used to a pill doing it for me, I've learned this dysfunction.

Good Lord, I'm screwed up.